Feb 282016

Gold Bond Foot Cream vs Neutrogena Foot Cream

The second game for the Southern Feet Division pits a player on late night TV against a named titan.  It’s Gold Bond Foot Cream vs Neutrogena Foot Cream.

Gold Bond Ultimate Softening Foot Cream with Shea Butter

[break]Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Foot Cream










Do You Want the FAVORITE of this Match Up?


Gold Bond got their foothold on lotions with a medicated skin cream for dry skin.  They were so successful with that product that they moved into the Southern (foot) arena.

Neutrogena, despite its foot cream being of “Norwegian” descent, is a company from the good old US of A. The team has been around since the 1930’s and has been a part of the conglomerate Johnson & Johnson since 1994.

In the Southern Feet Division, the name Neutrogena has been the gold standard. But, Gold Bond has created their own “gold standard” with a product that has garnered a following the may have even surpassed Neutrogena up in the social world.

Will the new “gold” dog upstage the old “dog”.  Or, will the “old” dog learn new tricks to go platinum on its golden opponent?  This match up is looking to go right down to the wire.


Here are the players (ingredients) for each team (product).

Gold Bond Ultimate Softening Foot Cream with Shea Butter

Gold Bond Ultimate Softening Foot Cream with Shea Butter

[wpi_designer_button text='I WANT GOLD' link='/internal/GoldBondUltimateSofteningFootCreamwithSheaButter' style_id='276' icon='digg' target='_blank']

Gold Bond’s star players:

  • Water
  • Urea
  • Glycerin
  • *Petrolatum
  • Dimethicone
  • Cetyl Alcohol
  • Clycopentasiloxane
  • *Distearyldimonium Chloride
  • *Jojoba Esters
  • Cetyl Esters
  • Lactic Acid
  • Stearyl Alcohol
  • Cetearyl Alcohol
  • Propylene Glycol
  • Behentrimonium Methosulfate
  • Polysorbate-60
  • Potassium Hydroxide
  • Stearamidopropyl Pg-Dimonium Chloride Phosphate
  • Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice
  • Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea) Butter Extract
  • Glyceryl Stearate
  • Steareth-21
  • Fragrance
  • Diazolidinyl Urea
  • Dimethiconol
  • Methyl Gluceth-20
  • Butylene
  • Glycol
  • *Methylparaben
  • Edta
  • Panthenol
  • Silk Amino Acids
  • Hydrolyzed
  • Jojoba Esters
  • Retinyl Palmitate
  • Tocopheryl Acetate
  • Propylparaben
  • Magnesium Ascorbyl Phosphate
  • Lavandula Angustifolia (Lavender) Extract
  • Acacia Farnesiana Flower Extract
  • Chamomilla Recutita (Matricaria) Flower Extract
  • Rosmarinus Officinalis (Rosemary) Leaf Extract
  • Isopropyl Myristate

Gold Bond has quite a list of players that make up this complex team. Can they bring together the right combination of players to knock off this giant of a name in the lotions industry?  Their team will have to shine “gold” to end up at the top of the podium in this game.

Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Foot Cream

Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Foot Cream

[wpi_designer_button text='I WANT THIS TEAM' link='/internal/NeutrogenaNorwegianFormulaFootCream' style_id='276' icon='digg' target='_blank']

Neutrogena’s roster includes:
  • *Water
  • *Glycerin
  • Cetearyl Alcohol
  • *Petrolatum
  • Cyclomethicone
  • +Panthenol
  • Dimethicone
  • Keratin Amino Acids
  • Menthol
  • +Allantoin
  • +Dilauryl Thiodipropionate
  • +Bisabolol
  • +Tocopheryl Linoleate
  • Sodium Cetearyl Sulfate
  • Sodium Sulfate
  • Stearic Acid
  • *Methylparaben
  • Propylparaben
  • Diazolidinyl Urea
  • Sodium Chloride
  • Fragrance (7146)

Neutrogena has is a much simpler and less complex formation of talented players. Many of the players are related to Gold Bond and have similar talents.  The different players from Gold Bond will have to rise to the occasion to topple this upstart.

Live Box Score

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Drive By Drive Game Details

Neutrogena Wins the Toss and Will Receive

DJ Receiving the Kick Off

“DJ Receiving the Kick Off” by Chris Breeze (CC BY 2.0), via Flickr.com

Neutrogena wins the coin flip and Gold Bond will open the game kicking off.

Neutrogena Opens with Petrolatum

The Gold Bond Foot Cream kicker booms the ball 5 yards deep into the end zone on the opening kickoff.

The Neutrogena return man has confidence and brings the ball out cutting up the right side. At the 15 yard line, the Neutrogena runner cut back behind a Gold Bond coverage player as that player is being taken down. This opens the Neutrogena runner up to another 10 yards before he is taken down around the 25 yard line.

But, the block that sprung open the Neutrogena return man was called for holding. After the referee applied the penalty, the ball was placed at the 8 yard line.

Neutrogena sends out Petrolatum to try and dig out of the hole the kickoff team has put them in.

Petrolatum, also known as Petrolium Jelly, is a player used often in skin lotion plays. But, Petrolatum also has some potential side effects that have come out lately to work against him.  But, while some make claims against Petrolatum, others defend him.

Petrolatum was originally brought to Neutrogena because of his gifts of:

  • Reducing inflammation
  • Healing properties for skin
  • Incredible moisturizing abilities
  • Battles dry skin and eczema

To open the game Petrolatum starts at RB and getting no support from his offensive line, Petrolatum is stuffed for a 3 yard loss.

On 2nd down, Petrolatum stays in to block on a pass play, but the Neutrogena QB rushes the pass and the receiver isn’t ready to catch it for an incompletion.

Playing it safe early in the game, the Neutragena coach hands off to Petrolatum to try and get some room to punt. The run goes for 3 yards to get back to the original line of scrimmage.

On 4th down, Petrolatum gets the kick off while standing in his own end zone. Not bothered by the fierce rush, Petrolatum booms the ball 51 yards into the air and out of bounds not allowing any return. The ball lands at the Gold Bond 41 yards line.

Gold Bond Brother’s Up

Seeing the Neutrogena Petrolatum start the game motivated the Gold Bond coach to give his brother the same chance.

Gold Bond’s Petrolatum was raised under the same roof, so has the same traits as his brother.

GB’s Petrolatum opens the drive in much better field position than his brother. So, the GB coach is optimistic about getting better results.

dry skin

“dry skin” by Vladimer Shioshvili (CC BY-SA 2.0), via Flickr.com

To open the drive, Petrolatum lines up at RB and slides out into the flat to receive a short pass. But, this early in the game, the Neutrogena defense is more pumped than Petrolatum and they swarm Petrolatum before he can get back to the line of scrimmage.

On 2nd down Petrolatum takes the hand off and tries to push between the Neutrogena nose tackle Dry Skin and defensive tackle Eszema. But, they are extremely tough to beat this early in the game. Petrolatum is able to battle them for a solid 2 yards before being pushed back.

On 3rd down and long, Petrolatum goes in motion with the GB QB in the shotgun. At the snap, Petrolatum runs an out pattern at the first down marker. But, the Neutrogena CB irritates Petrolatum and the ball falls to the ground.

On 4th down Petrolatum tries to pin Neutrogena deep into their own territory with a high punt. The punt travels 43 yards to the Neutrogena 15 yard line. The Neutrogena return man jukes the first coverage and darts up field for 9 yards.

A flag is thrown as one of the Gold Bond coverage players gets caught performing a chop block on a Neutrogena player. After the 15 yard penalty is marched off, Neutrogena gets great field position starting the next drive at their own 39 yard line.

Neutrogena Water Rushes into the Game

The Neutrogena coach starting this drive with great field position, sends in his best player.

Neutrogena Water isn’t ordinary Water. This Water is the number one ingredient in this foot cream team.

N-Wat as Water is known to his Neutrogena kin has a boat load of talent. You could say he even floats your boat.

In a foot cream like Neutrogena, Water works well with other players to keep things real. Real wet.

This makes creams thinner and easier to apply to your feet. It makes the cream easier to wash off.

Let’s see how N-Wat uses these talents for Neutrogena on this drive.

On first down, N-Wat catches a swing pass to the right side and gushes for 9 yards.

The Neutrogena coach comes right back to the same play, and the N-Wat burst is even better flowing for 16 yards.

N-Wat then takes a handoff over left guard (better than Right Guard who repels Water). The play splashes for 11 yards.

Just as the Dam is about to burst, the Gold Bond defense steps up and forces the Neutrogena QB into a bad pass.


“Gushing” by Gretchen Poehlman (CC BY-ND 2.0), via Flickr.com

On the next play, the Neutrogena coach goes back to that swing pass, Gold Bond tries to seal up the holes, but N-Wat is still able to seep through for 6 yards.

On 3rd down and 4 yards, the Neutrogena coach decides to go back to the well and N-Wat catches the swing pass again, and with excellent walls of blocking, N-Wat burst towards the goal line diving across. The referees see a knee touch at the 1 yard line.

On the next play, N-Wat lines up in a modified wildcat under center, and the Gold Bond defense has too many holes, and N-Wat gushes into the end zone. TOUCHDOWN! The extra point (plays a big part in emulsifying) is GOOD!

Gold Bond Responds with Smooth Jojoba Esters

After watching his defense give up the touchdown, the Gold Bond coach wants a smooth moisturizing response on the next drive.

The Gold Bond coach spots Jojoba Esters on the bench and sees JoJoBee (nickname from his team) as the perfect player to give Gold Bond the lift the coach wants.

JoJoBee is a master at water retention and creates barriers to control water loss. JoJoBee smooths and moisturizes up and down the field with great expertise.

To start off the drive, JoJoBee pounds the line of scrimmage with two thunderous runs trying to soften and smooth the defense. The runs went for 6 and 2 yards.

With a short 3rd down, JoJoBee starts off in the backfield, but to the surprise of the defense goes in motion. At the snap, JoJoBee runs a short down and out. The Gold Bond QB times the pass perfectly. The defender thinking he’s read the play perfectly, tries to jump the pass, but the pass is zipped past the defender.

JoJoBee makes a fingertip catch and head up the sidelines. The safety finally pushes JoJoBee out of bounds. But, not before a 27 yard gain.

Trying to duplicate the previous series, JoJoBee takes the first two handoffs for runs, but the defense is ready this time and bottles up JoJoBee for gains of only 1 and 0 yards.


“Dolphins” by William Warby (CC BY 2.0), via Flickr.com

On third and long, JoJoBee lines up on a LB split out to the right. Using a smooth stutter step, JoJoBee fakes the LB into thinking he’s stopping at the first down marker for the catch. But, JoJoBee doesn’t stop and makes a leaping catch falling out of bounds for a 17 yard gain.

With the previous plans working for first downs, the Gold Bond coach goes to the well again with runs on first down. The pounding has softened the defense some as the runs go for 4 and 3 yards.

With a manageable third down, JoJoBee lines up in the slot and runs the same quick down and out. But, on the cut, JoJoBee loses his footing and falls to the ground. The Gold Bond QB sees this and pulls the ball back to look to the other side of the field. As he turns to look, the GB QB is run over by a blitzing LB for a 5 yard loss.

On 4th down and 8, the GB coach settles for a FG attempt. JoJoBee lines the kick up and strikes the 43 yard attempt. The kick is up, and curves a little to the left. But, stays inside the left goal post and is GOOD!

Neutrogena Seals the Deal with Glycerin

The Neutrogena coach wanting to give Glycerin some extra touches, sends Glycerin into the game to return the kickoff.

The kick is short and Glycerin waits to catch the kick at the 3 yard line. Glycerin receives the kick and drifts over to the right side of his blockers looking for a seam.

Glycerin sees an opening and solves the blocking scheme with a sharp cut up field. Glycerin is just about to break into the open for something big, when Glycerin is tripped up. Falling forward, Glycerin makes it to the 24 yard line before coming to a stop.

Glycerin bring a lot of talent to the game. Glycerin is one of the more versatile players in the Lotion Challenge league. Always bringing a pleasant aroma to the team meetings, Glycerin is sometimes made fun of for his alway present nice smelling aroma.

Glycerin is good at thinning out a situation with his grace. Having skin like properties, Glycerin fits right in with the goals that Neutrogena as a team is looking for.

On the first two plays from the 24 yard line, Glycerin tries to pound the interior line with runs. But, the results are zero yards, and 2 yards respectively.

On 3rd down, Glycerin lines up in the backfield, and goes in motion. The TE stays in to help block as Glycerin streaks up the left sidelines and with smooth long strides, zips past the defensive CB. The Neutragena QB looks off the safety to the right, and then comes back to Glycerin lofting the ball high and long.

adult diaper

“adult diaper” by eric molina (CC BY 2.0), via Flickr.com

Glycerin adjusts to the ball towards the sidelines, and makes the catch in stride. With Glycerin’s focus on the catch, Glycerin isn’t able to maintain his balance and eventually steps out of bounds after a gain of 48 yards.

On the next play, Glycerin takes his time getting back to the line of scrimmage and is just able to catch his breath as the snap is made. Glycerin takes the handoff and with a fake to the inside, bounces outside and beats the defense to the sidelines before being shoved out for 15 yards.

On first and goal from the 8, Glycerin lines up in the slot and runs a criss cross route with the outside WRs. The defense hesitates for a half of a beat, and the ball is past the defender and into Glycerin’s hands as Glycerin trots into the end zone for a TOUCHDOWN! The extra point (treating diaper rash) is GOOD!

Gold Bond Wants Quick Results with Methylparaben

After the 2nd touchdown, the Gold Bond Ultimate Softening Foot Cream with Shea Butter coach wants a high rewards player.

The coach chooses Methylparaben, but there are risks involved with Methylparaben.

Methylparaben is a known paraben, and has known links to cancer. But, the Gold Bond coach wants to mix things up. And, Methylparaben is thought of as an active hormone (endocrine) system disruptor. The bottom line is high reward comes with high risk.

After a disasterous return causes the return man to be tackled at their own 12 yard line, the Gold Bond coach is livid.

Methylparaben tried to go in and set the coaches mind at ease and starts the series off with run off of left guard to try and get some breathing room. But, Neutrogena is ready for the play and stuffs it for no gain.

Brick City

“Brick City” by Alan Levine (CC BY 2.0), via Flickr.com

On the next play, Methylparaben catches a a short pass to the right side. He looks like he might make the corner and turn in a big gain, but then his footing is disrupted by a tap on the heel from the Neutrogena DE. Methylparaben drops like a ton of bricks.

But, the reason the Neutrogena DE was able to make the play was that the DE was lined up off sides. The refs mark off 5 yards.

With only 5 yards to go on 2nd down, the immature QB decides to go deep and the risky pass and the defender almost makes him regret the pass as it is tipped out of bounds.

On 3rd down, Methylparaben lines up in the shotgun and takes the snap. Methylparaben sees something and turns and drills a pass into a crowd and the ball is too live and bounces off of the WRs hands.

Methylparaben stays in on 4th down and boots a short kick that Neutrogena returns. The play is returned nicely. But, a penalty brings everything back as Neutrogena starts at their own 31 yard line.

Neutrogena Tries to Preserve the Lead with Methylparaben

After a nice defensive stand, the Neutrogena coach sends out Methylparaben to preserve the lead.

Eat Chocolate Not Preservatives

“Eat Chocolate Not Preservatives” by daBinsi (CC BY 2.0), via Flickr.com

Methylparaben’s strength is preserving things, so the coach thinks this is the right decision.

However, Methylparaben has been getting some bad press lately for endocrine disruption. The reading shows that Methylparaben might be linked to affecting hormones which can lead to major health issues.

But, coach hasn’t been reading the papers, so he’s focused on the preservative aspect of Methylparaben.

Methylparaben starts the series under center and at the snap turns to hand off to the Neutrogena RB. However, Methylparaben turns the wrong way and just dives forward to try and get back to the line of scrimmage.

On 2nd down, Methylparaben takes the snap in the shotgun and surveys the field. But, feeling the pressure of the defense, Methylparaben panics too early and dumps the ball to the Neutrogena RB who’s immediately tackled for a 4 yard gain.

On 3rd down, Methylparaben again receives the snap from the shotgun and tries to keep his hormones under check to let the receivers get into their routers. But, the defensive line starts to make a push of the line and Methylparaben panics and flings the ball deep and out of bounds.

Methylparaben was unable to preserve the lead, much less the ball and punts a nice deep punt 49 yards to the Gold Bond Foot Cream’s 16 yard line.

Gold Bond Tries to Distroy Neutrogena

The Gold Bond Foot Cream coach lines up Distearyldimonium Chloride to try and get the offense moving.

Disco Baby (early pictures of DisClo)

“Disco Baby” by Sandro Ducceschi (CC BY 2.0), via Flickr.com

Distearyldimonium Chloride, or DisClo to his teammates (early picture of DisClo), dances into the game bringing with his positive charge. Other traits DisClo employs are smooth moves with a moisturizing silky feel.

DisClo can also be irritating to others leaving them with itchy irritated skin. This works great when he irritate the other team’s defense. However, sometimes he can irritate his own team.

DisClo starts slow with a couple of toxic plays. But, then busts through for a big 16 yard smooth pass reception.

The play really gets under the skin of the defense and on the next play they blast DisClo well after he throws an interception. A penalty moves the ball forward 15 yards.

DisClo then irritates his own team by almost getting a penalty himself with trash talking. The results have his team less than motivate to block for him and results in three poorly executed plays that don’t net a first down.

DisClo punts the ball on 4th down and he pins Neutrogena inside the red zone at he 14 yard line.

Neutrogena Tries to Solve with Cyclomethicone

Starting at their own 14 yard line, the Neutrogena Foot Cream coach goes conservative and selects Cyclomethicone to take control because of his viscosity controlling qualities.


“Wassup?” by Kasey Eriksen (CC BY-SA 2.0), via Flickr.com

Coach is looking to just gain a little field position and avoid any big mistakes. Cyclomethicone also brings anti-static properties, emmolient, humectant and solvent talents to the game.

In the first play from scrimmage coach gets his wish with a play that dissolves the defense for a 10 yard pass play gainer.

But, then the defense rises up and stuffs Cyclomethicone in the backfield on the next play for a 5 yard loss.

Cyclomethicone takes his time reading the defense on the next play, and decides he needs to air it out with the defense creeping up. The offensive line seals the rush not allowing moisture to touch the humectant Cyclomethicone. Cyclomethicone heaves the pass deep down left sideline, but with anti-static cling on the ball, it doesn’t stick to the receivers hands and the pass goes incomplete.

This brings up third and very long. Cyclomethicone surveys the field and looks for a WR that can make this long first down. But, no receivers open up deep, so Cyclomethicone chooses to hit a medium pass to his TE hoping he can break a tackle to keep the drive alive. But, he can’t.

On fourth down, Cyclomethicone has to jump for the snap and this throws off his rhythm off. The punt is shanked out of bounds after only travelling 34 yards.

Gold Bond Needs to GO!

After seeing his team punt for two straight series, the Gold Bond Foot Cream coach is wanting to put some points on the board.

Brussels Manneken Pissing Statue

I gotta GO!

Coach screams out “I need to go!” and sends Urea in to try and stream down the field for some points.

Urea is often mistaken with his sister Urine. However, Urea is synthetically created and actually is one of the best players on the team at keeping his team moist and together.

Urea can protect his team’s skin. He can bind moisture to the outside of the teams skin. He has anti-itching and anti-microbial properties, and is a naturalexfoliant keeping the teams skin smooth as a baby’s butt.

Urea starts the drive in good field position after the punt. He lines up at his own 39 and starts the drive like a machine gun rifling passes for 7, 35, and 4 yards to get down to the Neutragena 15 yard line.

Urea then has a little too much moisture on his hands and sail one out of bounds incomplete.

On 3rd down, Urea looks for some skin tight protection from his line, but the defense has even tighter coverage. Trying to slip away, Urea trips himself up for a 10 yard loss.

Urea lines up for the kick on 4th down, and squirts the ball between the uprights for a beautiful 43 yard FG.


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