Jan 262016

Lubriderm Sensitive Skin Lotion vs Cetaphil Ultra Hydrating Lotion

In the second game in the NSEW General Division, Lubriderm Daily Moisture Lotion Sensitive Skin takes on Cetaphil Daily Advance Ultra Hydrating Lotion in a war between Generals for the title of Best General All Purpose Lotion.


Lubriderm Daily Moisture Lotion Sensitive Skin[break]Cetaphil Daily Advance Ultra Hydrating Lotion









Do You Want the FAVORITE for this Game?


Lubriderm Daily Moisture Lotion Sensitive Skin brings loads of fans to the table with their extremely popular brand.  Lubriderm is also know for a scientific view on skin care as their formula is developed by dermatologists.

Brøndby stadium panorama for the title of Best General All Purpose Lotion

“Brøndby stadium panorama” by Stig Nygaard (CC BY 2.0), via Flickr.com (reduced to half size)

Cetaphil Daily Advance Ultra Hydrating Lotion brings a very vocal fan base to the table.

With almost 10 times as many fans that put their words in reviews, Cetaphil has a distinct home field advantage based on fan noise alone.

The NSEW General Division of the Lotion Challenge League lathers up to present two equally talented teams that both have a lot to lose.

Will the scientific strategies of Lubriderm match up well with the rowdy, fanatical fan base of Cetaphil.

The Players

Here are the players (ingredients) for each team (product).

Lubriderm Daily Moisture Lotion Sensitive Skin

Lubriderm’s lineup:

  • Water
  • *Butylene Glycol
  • Mineral Oil
  • *Petrolatum
  • Glycerin
  • Cetyl Alcohol
  • Propylene Glycol Dicaprylate/Dicaprate
  • Peg-40 Stearate
  • C11-13 Isoparaffin
  • Glyceryl Stearate
  • Tri (ppg-3 Myristyl Ether) Citrate
  • *Emulsifying Wax
  • Dimethicone
  • Dmdm Hydantoin
  • Methylparaben
  • Carbomer
  • Ethylparaben
  • Propylparaben
  • Titanium Dioxide
  • Disodium Edta
  • Sodium Hydroxide
  • Butylparaben
  • *Xanthan Gum

Lubriderm has a well rounded and talented team with roots in Texas that can come at you from all angles.

Cetaphil Daily Advance Ultra Hydrating Lotion

Cetaphil’s lineup:

  • Water
  • Glycerin
  • *Hydrogenated Polyisobutene
  • Cetearyl Alcohol
  • Macadamia Integrifolia Seed Oil (Macadamia Nut Oil)
  • Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter)
  • Acrylates/C10-30 Alkyl acrylate Crosspolymer
  • *Sodium Polyacrylate
  • Phenoxyethanol
  • *Tocopheryl Acetate
  • *Ceteareth-20
  • Stearoxytrimethylsilane
  • Stearyl Alcohol
  • Benzyl Alcohol
  • Farnesol
  • Sodium PCA
  • Panthenol
  • Cyclopentasiloxane
  • Dimethiconol
  • Citric Acid
  • Sodium Hydroxide

Cetaphil’s team has kept its free agents signed and is expecting a successful and prosperous year.  With origins in Nestle and L’Oreal, Cetaphil brings a foreign flavor to the table.

Drive By Drive Game Details

Lubriderm wins the coin toss and will receive.  They will begin the game trying to win the title of Best General All Purpose Lotion.

Lubriderm Opens to Try and Win the Title Best General All Purpose Lotion

The Lubriderm coach, knowing that Cetaphil is pumped up in front of their home field crowd, decides to open the game with a safe play of Xanthan Gum.

X is for Xanthan Gum

“X is for Xanthan Gum” by Bev Sykes (CC BY 2.0), via Flickr.com

Xanthan Gum is not used by Lubriderm very much.  But, it doesn’t take a lot of Xanthan Gum to make a difference.

While Xanthan Gum is a somewhat safe play by the Lubriderm coach, there have been some rumors about it being harmful to fans.   But, most of those rumors involved consuming Xanthan Gum.

Xanthan Gum bring a thickening property to Lubriderm that means it gives Lubriderm some of its substance.  He also is an emulsifier that allows oil and water to play well together on the team.

Xanthan Gum has many other properties that focus around when Xanthan Gum is consumed in food (Xanthan Gum is a two sport player similar to Deon Sander, Bo Jackson, and Michael Jordan).

The Lubriderm coach is looking for Xanthan Gum to settle the team down and not make any early mistakes.

After the touchback kickoff by Cetaphil, Xanthan Gum opens the game from the 20 yard line.

On the first play, Xanthan Gum mixes up with a gallop off right tackle.  Xanthan Gum first steps left knowing the defense is pumped with adrenaline for the first play of the game to get the to over pursue in that direction.

Fakes Work!

The fake works and Xanthan Gum is able to burst through right tackle into the secondary for a 14 yard gain.

On the next two plays, the Lubriderm stays safe with runs and Xanthan Gum is stuffed by the still pumped Cetaphil defense for no gain, and a one yard gain.

On third down, Xanthan Gum moves in motion as the Lubriderm QB is lined up in the shotgun.  Xanthan Gum then heads up field on a slant towards the sideline.  The pass is on target and is caught 3 yards up field. Xanthan Gum makes a move to cut back and elude the first defender.  But, can power through the onslaught of Cetaphil defenders.

On 4th down and 2, sends the punt 45 yards and the Cetaphil return man catches the ball at the 13 yard line.  He cuts up the sidelines before being pushed out at the 21 yard line.

Cetaphil Lays it on Thick with Ceteareth-20

After receiving the punt at their own 21 yard line, the Cetaphil coach is looking to hit Lubriderm hard by laying it on thick with Ceteareth-20.

Wearing the number 20, Ceteareth-20 is known for interacting with teammates well to thicken up the team.  When the Cetaphil coach calls on Ceteareth-20, he is looking for Ceteareth-20 to do these things:

  • Work well with other players (emulsify)
  • Help players works together with water and alcohol
  • Stabilize in a nonionic way in oil and water emulsions

The risk for the Cetaphil coach is there have been rumors swirling around Ceteareth-20 regarding cancer risks.

To begin the drive, Ceteareth-20 opens with runs up the middle.  Working well with the fatty acid lineman, Ceteareth-20 plods for 6 and 7 yards.

On the next play, it looks to be a run formation, but feeling the pressure of rumors about causing cancer, Ceteareth-20 jumps offsides for a 5 yard penalty.

Slippery When Wet

Ceteareth-20 lines up to block as the Cetaphil QB drops back to pass.  Sliding out to the left flat, Ceteareth-20 receives a short pass as the Cetaphil QB gets clobbered.  The hit on the QB appears to be very late and the referee throws the flag.  After catching the pass, Ceteareth-20 turns up field and mixes up his cuts, weaving back and forth between defenders, Ceteareth-20 uses blockers to slip between oil and water defenders for a huge 24 yard gain.

A 15 yard penalty is tacked onto the big play giving Cetaphil a 1st down at the Lubriderm 32 yards line.

Lining up at WR, Ceteareth-20 runs a down and out route, and the Cetaphil QB delivers the pass on time and on target for a 12 yard gain.

The Cetaphil coach then decides that the fatty acid lineman shoud be able to shove the ball into the end zone from here.  On first down from the 20, Ceteareth-20 hides behind the fatty acid lineman and darts up field for 13 yards.  The Lubriderm defense is getting frustrated and piles on top of  Ceteareth-20 late and receives a Unnecessary Roughness penalty.

The penalty is enforced as half the distance to the goal line and gives Cetaphil a 1st down at the 3 yard line.

First and Goal!

The Lubriderm defense is extremely agitated and jumps offside before the next play giving 1st down at the 2.  This just makes them even more mad.  And, on the next play Ceteareth-20 the defense mauls him the backfield on a run play for a 3 yard loss.

Football fumble!!

“201511_football_v_Minot_0546_fumble” by University of Minnesota Duluth (CC BY-ND 2.0), via Flickr.com (reduced to half size)

On 2nd and goal at the 5, the Cetaphil QB lines up in the shotgun.  The handoff to Ceteareth-20 is delayed, and the Lubriderm defense swarms Ceteareth-20.  But, not before he is able to get back to the line of scrimmage.

The Lubriderm defense is really stiffening up to Ceteareth-20’s thick play.  On 3rd and goal, the Cetaphil coach calls an out pass to Ceteareth-20 in the right flat.  With the Lubriderm defense still hyped up from all of the controversy, they stand Ceteareth-20 up and strip the ball from him.

The Lubriderm defense is able to scramble and recover the loose ball at the 9 yard line before it rolls out of bounds.

The Lubriderm defense trash talks Ceteareth-20 calling him a low life cancer spreader as Ceteareth-20 walks off the field with his head down for losing the ball.

Lubriderm Plays it Safe with Emulsifying Wax

The Lubriderm coach is very happy having kept Cetaphil out of the end zone. But, with the ball on the Lubriderm 9 yard line, coach goes with a stable play of Emulsifying Wax.

Emulsifying Wax shows excellent stability in both acid and base mixtures. Knowing how stable Emulsifying Wax is allows the Lubriderm coach to sleep at night.

Emulsifying Wax works well with other players. And, provides thicking for the team (strong character).

The Lubriderm coach is counting on Emulsifying Wax to take care of the ball this deep in their own territory.

On 1st down, Emulsifying Wax turns to throw a quick out pass to the WR on the left side. But, the Cetaphil defense is up pressing the WR and Emulsifying Wax plays it safe and hangs onto the ball. Emulsifying Wax then turns to the other side, but the defense covers the slant route and the timing of the pass is off. Emulsifying Wax tucks the ball and tries to scramble up field, but the defense is swarming and sacks Emulsifying Wax for a 4 yard loss.

On 2nd down, Emulsifying Wax takes the snap and runs up the middle, but the Cetaphil fans are rabid at this point and this amps up the defense and they stuff the play for no gain.

Crowd Going Wild!

On 3rd down and long, Emulsifying Wax can’t hear himself think, and his emulsifying play can’t be adjusted on the fly. He calls timeout.

Gridiron Bingo: Blindside

“Gridiron Bingo: Blindside” by Ron Mader (CC BY-SA 2.0), via Flickr.com

Lining up in the shotgun, Emulsifying Wax takes the 3rd down snap and surveys the field.

With no WRs coming open, Emulsifying Wax throws the ball deep to his WR streaking down the side lines.

But, playing it safe to make sure the Cetaphil DB can’t get the ball, Emulsifying Wax overthrows his receiver for an incompletion.

On 4th down, Emulsifying Wax lines up in his own end zone for the punt. The snap is high, but the blocking is good.

Emulsifying Wax BOOMs the punt 56 yards in the air. The kick is high enough that the coverage team gets there and limits the return to 3 yards.

The Cetaphil fans are so loud that the Cetaphil blocker goes a little overboard and commits an illegial blindside block. The referee marks off 15 yards on the penalty.

Cetaphil Takes Air out of Ball with Tocopheryl Acetate

The Cetaphil coach doesn’t want to be the first to make a mistake in this slow starting game. So, with his next player selection, he chooses Tocopheryl Acetate.

Oxygen depletion

“Oxygen depletion” by Anders Sandberg (CC BY 2.0), via Flickr.com

Tocopheryl Acetate, or Tace for short, is known for his strong antioxidant play, and his strong (skin) conditioning. Tace is something know for being an (skin) irritant.

Starting from his own 27 yard line after the previous penalty, Tace opens the drive conservatively by trying to condition the defense line with a punishing run. Tace hits the hole off right guard HARD and pushes the pile for 3 yards.

On 2nd down, Tace goes in motion and at the snap cuts back towards the middle of the field. The Cetaphil QB zips the ball and Tace makes the catch and turns up field. Tace irritates the safety with an abrasive run that nets 15 yards.

First Down!

On first down, Tace stays in to block for the Cetaphil QB, but being a little rash, Tace jumps the snap count and earns the team a five yard penalty.

On the next play, Tace doesn’t jump early on the snap, but overcompensates, and is slow to step up to block on the snap. Tace ends up being too late to block a blitzing LB and the Cetaphil QB is irritated at Tace’s lack of focus. The play goes for a 4 yard sack.

On 3rd down, Tace goes in motion again, and runs a down and out. But, Tace is again not concentrating and drops the pass.

Tace stays in to try and redeem himself with a punt. Tace catches the fourth down snap, and really booms the ball up into the atmosphere where there isn’t any oxygen. The punt goes over the head of the Lubriderm returner and is downed at the 11 yard line.

Lubriderm Plays Petrolatum

As this game goes back and forth, the coaches are looking to not be the first team to make a mistake.

The Lubriderm coach looks down his bench and makes a controversial pick by sending in Petrolatum.

Petrolatum has received a bad reputation because of the similarity of its name with fossil fuel products.

The folks at Paula’s Choice disagree with those findings and have referencesd other studies that show Petrolatum to be safe.

Petrolatum provides skin protections, moisturizing effects, and can even help to protect your skin from UV rays.

To start the drive, Petrolatum slips out into the flat on an out pass play. But, Petrolatum forgot to wipe his hands and the ball slips through his fingers for an incomplete pass.

On 2nd down, Petrolatum takes a handoff and squirts through right tackle for 3 yards.

On 3rd down and long, Petrolatum lines up in the slot and runs a quick down and out. The Lubriderm delivers the ball with pace, on target, and Petrolatum makes the catch just past the first down marker.

Petrolatum goes in motion on 1st down and protects the skin of the ball with his body while reeling in the pass. He runs out of real estate after gaining 6 yards.

Petrolatum takes a handoff and tries to find space up the middle. But, the defense sends in too many defenders and soak up Petrolatum for no gain.

Third Down

On 3rd down, Petrolatum lines up in the slot and runs a quick out. But, the defense is ready and bottles up Petrolatum from both sides. The Lubriderm QB has to pull the pass back down, and gets sacked for and 8 yard loss.


“fumble” by Gear Loop (CC BY-SA 2.0), via Flickr.com

On 4th down, Petrolatum drops back to punt. As the snap comes back, Petrolatum bobbles the ball because of his slippery hands. But, Petrolatum is still able to get off a punt that travels 48 yards in the air.

The Cetaphil receiver tries to catch the ball, but Petrolatum got some jelly on the ball during the punt, and the ball squirts out of the Cetaphil receivers hands.


A maylay ensues as the ball is almost recovered by four different players. Eventually a Lubriderm player falls on the ball and is able to hang on at the Cetaphil 31 yard line.

Lubriderm Tries to Capilalize with Dimethicone

With great field position at the Cetaphil 31 yard line, the Lubriderm coach gives Dimethicone the drop.

Dimethicone is controversial with rumors about organ system toxicity. But, with the short field, the Lubriderm coach thinks Dimethicone can produce points.

Dimethicone’s positive traits include being protective (of skin) of the team and being a skin conditioner.

On first down Dimethicone lines up in the slot and the Lubriderm QB delivers the pass on time to a cutting Dimethicone.  Dimethicone makes a leaping grap for an 8 yard gain.

eclogite (the rock)

“eclogite” by Kevin Walsh (CC BY 2.0), via Flickr.com

With the Lubriderm coach now feeling like he made the right decision with Dimethicone, he lines up Dimethicone at RB, and says “big fella, here’s the rock“.

Dimethicone slams into the line of scrimmage and moves the pile for 1 yard before the whistle stops play.

On 3rd down and short, the Lubriderm coach is now “all in” with Dimethicone. Dimethicone gets the ball and tries to plow over right tackle. But, a well timed LB run blitz stuffs the play for no gain.

With only about an inch to go, the Lubriderm coach is not sure what to do, so he calls a timeout. After thinking about Dimethicone some, the Lubriderm coach stays with his previous “all in” call and gives the ball to Dimethicone over left guard.

The pile looks like it’s moving. But, the defense moves the pile first and forward momentum stops short of the 1st down. The result of the play is no gain and the ball is turned over on downs to Cetaphil!

Cetaphil Picks Hydrogenated Polyisobutene

After the big defensive stop, the Cetaphil Ultra Hydrating Lotion coach looks to capitalize on the momentum shift. Coach chooses Hydrogenated Polyisobutene to try and turn the defensive win into points on the scoreboard.

Hydrogenated Polyisobutene is known for his thickening properties. His character is smooth and soft. He also has been know to provide lubricating moves on skin, hair and/or nails. Being a popular player, HydroPoly (as he’s know to his team), takes the reigns on this drive.

On the first play, HydroPoly plods over left guard. HydroPoly seems too thick to fit through the hole, but somehow manages to lubricate his way through.

On 2nd down, HydroPoly tries the same hole again, but the defense closes the hole a little and HydroPoly doesn’t make it through for a 2 yard loss.

With a long 3rd down, Cetaphil’s QB lines up in the shotgun. Seeing a LB blitz, the Cetaphil tackle jumps offside trying to move into the path of the LB. Whisles blow, but the LB doesn’t stop and ends up throwing HydroPoly to the ground hard.

Players Getting Out of Hand

Gridiron Bingo: Unnecessary Roughness

“Gridiron Bingo: Unnecessary Roughness” by Ron Mader (CC BY-SA 2.0), via Flickr.com

The refs throw flags for Unnecessary Roughness netting 15 yards for Cetaphil.

HydroPoly takes the next snap and tries to hit the same left guard hole again. It is again plugged. But, HydroPoly doesn’t stop moving and ends up pushing the pile for 2 yards. This makes the defense mad as tempers are rising.

On 2nd down and long, HydroPoly take the ball and hits the right guard hole. The Lubriderm defense hits HydroPoly in the backfield again, but HydroPoly’s thickness is able to again push the defense back. The referees let the play linger as HydroPoly is slowly moving the pile for 1, 2, and then 3 yards.

Finally the pile stabalizes, but the Lubriderm defense doesn’t like being pushed around and having gained the leverage, continues to angrily push HydroPoly back and well after the whistle picks up HydroPoly and lays him out hard.

More Unnecessary Roughness

Another 15 yards is applied after the 2nd penalty flag is thrown. Lubriderm is losing their composure and so far it has cost them 30 yards.

HydroPoly takes the next handoff, and with thick strong legs and viscosity, HydroPoly again moves the pile. This time Lubriderm isn’t able to stop the momentum until HydroPoly has gained 7 yards.

Lubriderm’s defense is getting tired of being pushed around, but it doesn’t seem like they can do anything about it. On 2nd down and 3, HydroPoly again takes the hand off. Lubriderm antisipates the run and throws a full run blitze of all LBs and all safeties.

HydroPoly starts right and changes direction to the left. The LBs and safeties still playing with anger overplay the first move by HydroPoly and end up in the wrong hole. HydroPoly’s cutback finds a hole and HydroPoly squirts through the hole with speed.

HydroPoly breaks into the open and with all of the blitzers caught up in the line, HydroPoly smoothly gathers speed. Lubriderm’s players are angry.  The result is they are taking bad angles on the tackles and are completely out of position. HydroPoly rumbles for 34 yards into the end zone for a TOUCHDOWN! The extra point (provides a thin coat) is GOOD!

Cetaphil makes the first strike in the attempt to obtain the title of Best General All Purpose Lotion.

Lubriderm Hits Back with Dmdm Hydantoin

The Cetaphil fans are now really into the game after the touchdown and are making it tough for the coach to even think straight with all of the noise.

The Lubriderm Daily Moisture Lotion Sensitive Skin coach feels the need to take the fans out of the game. So, he goes down his bench looking for a player to put into the game that can calm things down.

The coach stops at Dmdm Hydantoin. Dmdm Hydantoin is known to calm the dead with his antimicrobial formaldehyde formula that is able to release preservatives. The hope from coach is that this deadens the atmosphere that the fans are creating.

Dawn Of the Dead

Pick Six

“Pick Six” by Matt McGee (CC BY-ND 2.0), via Flickr.com (reduced to half size)

While Dmdm Hydantoin does have the ability to kind of deaden where ever he goes, he does come with some down side. The reviews are mixed with regards to his ability to aggrivate skin.

Feeling the livliness of the defense, the coach has Dmdm Hydantoin run some short out pass plays to take advantage of some defensive over playing. The strategy works with gains of 7, 11, and drawing a defensive holding penalty.

With the defense a little on their heels, and the fans starting to feel the deadening, Dmdm Hydantoin goes to the run. The first run goes for 7 yards. But, the defense stuffs the follow up run.

This brings up a 3rd down play at midfield. Dmdm Hydantoin goes back to the out pass. But, the defense already irritated by being skinned on these plays earlier in the drive is ready. The Cetaphil CB jumps the route and picks the ball off. It’s off to the races, and no one will catch the CB as he goes for the Pick Six TOUCHDOWN!!

The extra point (don’t irritate your skin with Dmdm Hydantoin) is GOOD!

Lubriderm Tries to Solve Problems with Butylene Glycol

The Lubriderm coach is stunned by the turn of events. The Pick-6 has the crowd out of control. So, the coach can barely think straight to try and get things under control.

Needing a strong response to try and quiet the crowd, the Lubriderm coach calls on one of his studs: Butylene Glycol.

BG grabs his helmet and tries to have a quick discussion with coach about what plays to run. But, the crowd is too loud. Coach just pats him on the But and screams “Shut Them UP!!!”.

BG brings the following to the game:

  • Dissolves essential oil and synthetic flavoring defenders
  • Reduces the viscosity of the defense
  • Clear and colorless making it hard for defenders to pick him up in a crowd
  • Not irritating when used in lower concentrations (<10%)
  • Increases ability of teammates to penetrate skin

BG starts off at his own 20 after Cetaphil looked like they had pinned Lubriderm deep on the kickoff. But, a holding penalty moved the ball up field.

To start the drive, BG airs it out. With a max protection, BG is looking to penetrate the Cetaphil defense with a quick strike. The Lubriderm WR breaks free on a double move and has the ball on his fingertips, but bats it around and can’t reel it in. If caught, the WR is off to the races.

Pierce the pierced .....

“Pierce the pierced …..” by Rolf Brecher (CC BY-SA 2.0), via Flickr.com

With the crowd a little stunned by the almost TD, BG hurries up and runs another deep route that goes for 20 yards.

Going no huddle, BG looks to dissolve the defense with quick routes that go for 3, 9 and 13 yards. Cetaphil taks a time out to try and get some new defenders into the game.

The new defenders help for a couple of plays, but BG finds his RB on a skin penetrating curl route for 16 yards.

After a short run for 3 yard to keep the defense honest, BG steps back and drills a piercing pass through the skin of the defense for a 16 yard TOUCHDOWN! The extra point (BG enhances the team texture) is GOOD!

Cetaphil Lays it on Thick with Sodium Polyacrylate

After watching his defense let the score be cut in half, the Cetaphil Ultra Hydrating Lotion coach is looking for a strong, tough response from his team.

Coach selects Sodium Polyacrylate, or SodPoly as known to a few of his teammates.


“Baggage” by Timitrius (CC BY-SA 2.0), via Flickr.com

SodPoly is a multi-talented player, but comes with some baggage. The list of gifted skills that SodPoly brings to the game is long:

  • Film Former
  • Skin Conditioner
  • Emollient
  • Controls Viscosity
  • Stabilizes Emulsion
  • Crazy Absorbent Properties

Regarding that last talent, SodPoly has been known to be able to absorb between 200 and 300 times its mass in water.

But, SodPoly does comes with some downside. He’s been known to hang out in the not so clean parts of town. This has led to concerns about contaminants.

After the touchback, SodPoly starts off the drive by opening it up. Dropping back, SodPoly absorbs the hit after barely getting off a deep pass to the right side. The ball sails a bit as SodPoly felts the pressure coming and landed out of bounds for an incompletion.

On 2nd down and 10 yards, SodPoly looks to the right side of the defense before the snap. The defense reads his eyes and at the snap, breaks towards his favorite receiver Water.

The quick pass gets to Water, but he is unable to absorb the pass, and it bounces up into the air. The Lubriderm CB dives and grabs the pass out of the air as he rolls to the ground. He tries to get up, but stumbles and is finally touched down at the 15 yard line.

Box Score

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