Nov 032015

Hemp Hand Protector vs Glysomed Hand Cream

In this East/West Hands Division contest, teams try to get a grip on victory.  It’s Hemp Hand Protector vs Glysomed Hand Cream.

Hemp The Body Shop Hand Protector

[break]Glysomed Hand Cream









Do You Want the Winner of this Game?


Hemp Hand Protector shuffles into this game with what seems like a lackadaisical effort.  However, appearances can be deceiving in this league.

Glysomed Hand Cream blows in from the North bringing a stellar reputation for skin care.  The odds makers give Glysomed a tip of their hand based on reputation alone.

The East/West Hands Division stiff arms the rest of the Lotion Challenge League with these teams that promise to be a hand full.

Will the hippy-dippy team of Hemp be dope enough to blow smoke rings around the Canadian crack smokers of the North?  Stay tuned to see which team has the highest tolerance in this substance abusing battle of the hands.

The Players

Here are the players (ingredients) for each team (product).

Hemp The Body Shop Hand Protector

Hemp The Body Shop Hand Protector

[wpi_designer_button text='HAVE TO HAVE HEMP' link='/internal/HempHandProtector' style_id='276' icon='digg' target='_blank']

Hemp Hand Protector’s lineup:
  • *Water
  • Glycerin
  • *Cetearyl Alcohol
  • *Myristyl Myristate
  • *Cannabis Sativa Seed Oil
  • *Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
  • Dimethicone
  • *C12-15 Alkyl Benzoate
  • *Glyceryl Stearate
  • *PEG-100 Stearate
  • Beeswax
  • Panthenol
  • Menthol Soyate
  • Phenoxyethanol
  • Fragrance
  • Sodium Benzoate
  • Allantoin
  • Citric Acid
  • Potassium Sorbate
  • *Xanthan Gum
  • Hydrogenated Castor Oil
  • Retinyl Palmltate
  • Copemica Cerifera (Camauba) Wax Disodium EDTA
  • Tocopherol
  • *Talc
  • Chromium Oxide Greens
  • Iron Oxides

Hemp has rolled up a nice hash of talent.

Glysomed Hand Cream

Glysomed Hand Cream

[wpi_designer_button text='GET GLYSOMED' link='/internal/GlysomedHandCream' style_id='276' icon='digg' target='_blank']

Glysomed’s roster includes:
  • Aqua (Water)Aqua/Water/Eau
  • *Glycerin
  • *Cetearyl Alcohol
  • *Capric/Caprylic Stearic Triglyceride
  • *Octyldodecanol
  • Dimethicone
  • *Petrolatum
  • +Sorbitol
  • +Sodium Cetearyl Sulfate
  • Fragrance
  • +Ethoxydiglycol
  • +Allantoin (Comfrey Root)
  • *Phenoxyethanol
  • Propylene Glycol
  • Chamomilla Recutita (Chamomile)
  • Rosa Centifolia (Rose)
  • Butylene Glycol
  • Trideceth 8
  • Methyldibromo Glutaronitrile
  • Ethylparaben
  • Glucose
  • Alcohol Denatured
  • Hamamelis Virginiana
  • BHT
  • Ascorbyl Palmitate (Vitamin C)
  • Bisabolol (L-Alpha)
  • Glyceryl
  • Stearate
  • *Glyceryl Distearate
  • *Citric Acid

Glysomed Hand Cream brings a plethora of talent from the north to complete in this game.

Box Score

[table id=9 /]

Drive By Drive Game Details

Glysomed Wins the Coin Toss and Defers

Glysomed wins the coin toss and will defer to the 2nd half.  Hemp receives.

Hemp Hand Protector Adds Water

The Hemp Hand Protector coach jump out of the gate with Water.

Water (Hemp Hand Protector's best player)

“Water” by avocadogirlfriend (CC BY 2.0), via

Water is a well know talent in the Lotion Challenge league.  But, I’m not sure it is ever really used in the same way that Hemp does.

On the first drive of the game, water is added to the Hemp in a way that smokes the defense bong style.

Providing moisture like Glysomed has never seen (and can’t really still see with all the smoke), Water sweeps around the left side (the conservative right side is just not open to these plays) in a cloud of smoke.

The defense is thoroughly confused as they try to not inhale.  But, the play seems to be going to their head as they can’t seem to locate Water through the haze.

Water slips defenders left and left again until it splashes out of bounds after a 45 yard run.

In hurry up fashion, Hemp Water rushes up to the line of scrimmage before the defense can recover and goes left again.

Glysomed’s defense just can’t seem to recover as they seem a little foggy headed as they dive and miss Hemp Water.

Hemp Water rushes for a 35 yard gainer for a TOUCHDOWN!  The extra point (unlimited moisture) is GOOD!

Glysomed Responds with Glycerin

The Glysomed coach sends in Glycerin to sweeten the pot.

Glycerin is a sugar-alcohol compound with many talents.  The Glycerin talents include a laundry list of potential:

  • Toner
  • Treats Acne
  • Treats Cracked Heals
  • Removes Scars
  • Affects Dry Skin
  • Smooths out wrinkles
  • Is a Cleanser
  • Is a Sunscreen
ACME - Non Toxic Revolution

“ACME – Non Toxic Revolution” by Chris Christian (CC BY-SA 2.0), via

All of this is done while claiming to be non-toxic.

Glycerin starts this drive cleaning out the linebacker over right tackle and then left tackle for runs of 5 and 7 yards.

He then pops an Hemp’s safety Acne for a big gain of 25 yards.

Glycerin is just warming up, but with the Sun coming out, Glycerin shields the defenders and breaks tackles for another 17 yards on a left sweep.

The Glysomed Glycerin talent is just too much for the Hemp defense as Glycerin performs a double move to beat the Hemp DB.

The Glysomed QB receives max protection for the play and Glycerin beats the DB for a 45 yard bomb for a TOUCHDOWN!  The extra point (lightens skin) is GOOD!

Myristyl Myristate Whitens Face of Opponent

Myristyl Myristate sends fear into opponents as Hemp Hand Protector’s secret weapon.

What Myristyl Myristate brings to the table for the Hemp offense is, among other things:

  • Encourages skin absorbion
  • Co-emulsifier for it’s emulsion stabilizing benefits
  • Presents a smooth glossy appearance
  • Provides a soft pleasant powdery feel
  • Removes any unpleasant greasiness

At Hemp practices, Myristyl Myristate goes by the nickname of M&M.  This of course being the obvious nickname for a team addicted to the munchies.

M&M opens up the drive with an offensive line consisting of green, yellow, red, brown, and blue lineman.  The smoothness of M&M is difficult to pick up behind these lineman by the defense.


“IMG_1776” by Nathan(CC BY 2.0), via

M&M opens the drive with five consecutive runs of 5, 4, 5, 7, and 5 yards as the Glysomed defense just isn’t able to put hands on M&M long enough to keep him from driving forward.

The Hemp coach then calls a smoke screen of a play faking the screen to the tight end on the right side, only to flip the ball back to M&M on the left side.

The blockers all split sides to block from.  And, the Glysomed defense followed the QB fake leaving M&M a dark chocolate path to follow down field.

Pop Goes the M&M

The play popped for 35 yards!

Working well together is M&M’s strength.  So, on the next play Red and Green lineman pulled on a sweep to the left side.  M&M used the blocking for a 7 yard gain.

M&M followed up the play with a rush up the gut.  But, Yellow was scared by a blitzing Glysomed linebacker, and M&M was crushed in the backfield for a loss of 2.

M&M gathered up the pieces for an important 3rd down and 5 from the 20.  The Hemp coach sent in a play to confuse the defense.  Two Green WRs lined up on the left side.  On the snap, each WR crisscrossed and the defenders couldn’t figure out which Green to follow.

One of the Green WRs cut up field after the crisscross and fades to the flag in the end zone.  M&M lofted the ball up to Green, and Green consumed the peanut for a TOUCHDOWN!  The extra point (a smooth glossy finish) was GOOD!

Capric/Caprylic Stearic Triglyceride in For Glysomed

After the touchdown, the Glysomed coach buried his face in his soft hands.

But, the Glysomed coach was inspired by the softness of his hands and they reminded him of why the belong in the Lotion Challenge league.

Capric/Caprylic Stearic Triglyceride is one of those reasons.  And, the Glysomed coach remembered that as he looked down his bench and laid eyes on Stary (nickname his teammate use).

Stary is a beautiful player to watch.  And, is a big contributor for why the Glysomed coaches hands are so soft.

Stary brings skin conditioning, occlusive talents, emollient capabilities, and as a solvent can be relied on to solve tough problems.

After a touchback on the kickoff, Stary came out to run the Glysomed offense.

Glysomed begins by handing off to Stary for runs of 4 and 3 yards behind an occlusive blocking offensive line.

Stary then lines up in the back field.  As the Glysomed QB starts the call, Stary moves into motion towards the Glysomed sideline past a Glysomed WR.

Occlusion Solution

Cheeky wildcat

“Cheeky wildcat” by Tambako The Jaguar (CC BY-ND 2.0), via (Similar to something the coach said after the fumble)

On the snap the Hemp defensive end jumps offsides.  Seeing this, the Glysomed QB drops back to pass and fakes an out pass to the WR.  Stary starts to act like he is blocking, but then slips down the sidelines into the open.  The Glysomed QB drills a dart into Stary’s hands as Stary sprints down the sidelines.

The Hemp safety gets over to the sidelines to push Stary out of bounds.  But, not until Stary has burst for 56 yards.

The Glysomed offense sprints up to run a quick play.  Stary lines up in a wildcat formation, and catches the snap after a quick hike.  Hemp looks dazed and confused as they try to catch up to what is going on.  But, before they are ready, the ball is snapped and Stary rushes behind the occlusive line again for another 10 yards.

Stary lines up in the slot and runs an out pattern on the next play.  The Glysomed QB zips the ball into Stary’s arms for a TOUCHDOWN!  The extra point (provides a protective film) was GOOD!

Hemp Sends in Cetearyl Alcohol

The Hemp Hand Protector’s coach looks down the bench and taps Cetearyl Alcohol on the shoulder.

The Glysomed kickoff is deep and travels 6 yards into the end zone.  Regardless, the Hempified returner much be smoking something, but decides to bring the ball out anyway.

With a burst of speed and in a cloud of smoke, the returner looks like he was shot out of a bong as he just about flies over the defenders.

With what would normally be a great return having gained 28 yards, ends up being a huge gamble that only gets the team starting at the 22 yard line since the return started so deep in the end zone.

Cetearyl Alcohol brings a fair amount of aptitude to the game.  He features a stabizing factor while emulsifying, its helps the team to be more opaque, it provides a foaming feature when the team needs a high energy boost, and he brings a toughness in a viscous way.

To start the drive, Cetearyl Alcohol lines up in the backfield and cuts around the line in an opaque way for a short pass receiption for 8 yards.

On 2nd and short, the Hemp QB give play action and Cetearyl Alcohol runs an out leaving the DB in a wall of foam for an 18 yard reception.

On the next play, Cetearyl Alcohol lines up at QB and takes the snap.  Surveying the field, Cetearyl Alcohol isn’t able to find any open receivers and begins to scramble.  Defensive lineman Waters is not soluable and splashes into Cetearyl Alcohol for a 6 yard loss.

Slow to Respond

Slow to get up, Cetearyl Alcohol gathers the team in the huddle and waits for the next play from the sidelines.

Cetearyl Alcohol takes a deep breath as this play seems to be very similar to the last one.  Lining up at QB, Cetearyl Alcohol takes the snap.  Again with no WRs open, Cetearyl Alcohol has to scramble.  But, instead of trying to run in deep Waters, Cetearyl Alcohol wades away from that side of the defensive line.

Seeing an opening, Cetearyl Alcohol is able to burst through the line and into the open secondary.  With high viscosity, Cetearyl Alcohol uses his toughness and thick thighs to power through the secondary for a 21 yard gain.

After the two minute warning, Cetearyl Alcohol lines up as a wideout again and receives an out pass.  As Cetearyl Alcohol takes a step back to catch the ball, he is hit by the defender.  It’s all he can do to get back to the line of scrimmage.

On 2nd down, Cetearyl Alcohol lines up at RB and takes the handoff and tries to run through Waters.  Waters is up to the challenge and douses the run for no gain.

On 3rd down, Cetearyl Alcohol goes in motion from right to left as the snap is taken by the Hemp QB.  Cetearyl Alcohol drives the DB about halfway into the end zone and then cuts back away.  The pass is delivered on time and away from the defender for a 13 yard TOUCHDOWN!  The extra point couldn’t be found and was NO GOOD!

Glysomed Returns with Glyceryl Distearate

The Glysomed’s coaching response is to try and pound it out with Glyceryl Distearate.

The Glysomed coach thinks he sees the Hemp Hand Protector defense getting tired.  So, the new plan is to try and pound the ball at the tired defense.

Glyceryl Distearate is given the ball on two runs up the middle and they go for 4 and 5 yards.

On 3rd down and inches, Glyceryl Distearate is given the rock again, but stumbles after the handoff and can’t get the lift need to dive for the 1st down.

On 4th down, Glyceryl Distearate punts the ball out of bounds to the HHP 23 yard line.

HHP Slips Ricinus Communis into the Game

The Hemp Hand Protector feeling that the game might turn into a shootout, slips Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil into the game.

Ricinus Communis, or Castor Oil has strong lubricant qualities.  It also is controversial in that there are some negative traits that have been attribute to Ricinus Communis in the past.

Castor Oil, or Casper to the HHP team, can strike quickly on offense.  Or, can sometimes cause controversy that leads to a drive stalling.

On the first play, the HHP coach sends in a pass play to try and strike quickly.  Casper runs a quick slant, but Castor Oil causes the ball to slip through Casper’s hands for an incomplete pass.

On 2nd down, Casper runs a short turn around route, and the ball slips through Casper’s hands again and pops up in the air.  This time Casper is able to reach out for the ball and pulls it in for a 6 yard gain.

On 3rd down, Casper runs a short route to try and get the first down.  But, the Glysomed defense drops coverage underneath the short pass.  Casper sees this and instead of cutting off the route, it makes the adjustment to go deep outside towards the right sideline.  The HHP quarterback also sees the adjustment and pauses a second for Casper to clear the secondary.

This extra split second gives the Glysomed defensive line enough time to apply a toxic hit on the HHP quarterback just as he’s letting the pass leave his hand.  The pass sails out of bounds for an incompletion bring up fourth down.

Casper drops back on fourth down and punts the ball 47 yards to the Glysomed 27 yard line.

Glysomed Short on Time with Citric Acid

With the clock running down towards halftime, the Glysomed coach doesn’t want to take any chances.

So, he sticks with the “run it up the gut” strategy looking to see if a good run could put the team into position to take more risks.

After two runs of 2 and 2 yards by Citric Acid, the clock is under 30 seconds and Citric Acid just takes a knee on 3rd down and both teams are satisfied to go into halftime with the current score.


Both team head into halftime, with Hemp Hand Protector holding a 6 point lead.  Each team is looking to make key adjustments to do better in the 2nd half.

Glysomed will get the first crack as they will receive the 2nd half kickoff.

Glysomed Opens 2nd Half with Cetearyl Alcohol

The Glysomed coach slips Cetearyl Alcohol into the game on the kickoff to try and jump start the 2nd half.

Cetearyl Alcohol brings emulifier properties to the team by stabilizing other players on the team to keep them together as a smooth running machine.

He also boosts foam, controls viscosity, and is opaque in his dealings with the team. Cetearyl Alcohol has roots in Coconut and Palm oils.

Standing on the goal line, Cetearyl Alcohol waits for the kickoff. The Hemp kicker booms the ball and drives Cetearyl Alcohol back five yards deep into the end zone where Cetearyl Alcohol, looking to give his team a boost, decides to take the ball out of the end zone.

Cetearyl Alcohol starts right and looks for a crease. Not seeing any, Cetearyl Alcohol cuts back to the left and times his cut perfectly to hit an opening hole in the wall that the Hemp coverage team had built.

After hitting the hole, Cetearyl Alcohol is in the open and only has the Hemp kicker to beat. The kicker forces Cetearyl Alcohol towards the left side line and as Cetearyl Alcohol approaches, the Hemp kicker dives and hits Cetearyl Alcohol. Cetearyl Alcohol loses his balance, but stays up.

The split second that Cetearyl Alcohol took to catch his balance allows the Hemp coverage team to recover and drag Cetearyl Alcohol down from behind. But, not before returning the kickoff for 42 yards.

Out of Breath

On 1st down, Cetearyl Alcohol is out of breath, but manages to run a slow developing route for a 7 yard catch.

On 2nd down, Cetearyl Alcohol burst around left end, then controlling his viscosity, Cetearyl Alcohol cuts up field for a 7 yard gain and a first down.

After the first down, Cetearyl Alcohol lines up to the left of the QB and as the QB goes back to pass, the QB looks down field and then turns and dump the ball off to Cetearyl Alcohol. The Hemp defense pours over the play perfectly and the play ends up being non-soluable for only 3 yards.

On 2nd down, the Glysomed coach goes back to the left side and Cetearyl Alcohol mixes well with his blocker and emulifies for 10 yards and another first down.

On the next two plays, Cetearyl Alcohol is getting tired and isn’t able to control his foam and is stuff for gains of 2 and zero yards.

Running With Viscosity

With 3rd down and 8, Cetearyl Alcohol lines up on the right side at WR, and fakes a deep route pushing the CB off. Cetearyl Alcohol cuts the route off at 15 yards and cut toward the middle of the field and finds an opening where the Glysomed QB delivers a strike with viscosity. The play goes for 15 yards and a first down.

kick it classic

“kick it classic” by luftholen (CC BY-SA 2.0), via

On first down at the Hemp 15 yard line, Cetearyl Alcohol takes a handoff and heads toward right guard. But, Cetearyl Alcohol is too thick to make it through the hole and is stuffed for 2 yards.

On the next play, Cetearyl Alcohol lines up in the slot, and runs a post route. But, the play is covered well, and the Glysomed QB has to throw the ball away for an incompletion.

On 3rd and 8, Cetearyl Alcohol tries to run a curl right at the first down marker, but is too tired to fight through the Hemp defense and the ball slips through his creamy hands for an incompletion.

On 4th down, the Glysomed coach has Cetearyl Alcohol attempt the 31 yard FG. The kick is up, the line form an emulsifying line to keep the defense out, and the kick is up and GOOD!

Hemp Tries to Clean House with PEG-100 Stearate

As the kickoff sails out of the end zone for a touchback, the Hemp Hand Protector coach tries to figure out his next play.

In a surprise, the coach sends out PEG-100 Stearate for the next series.


“Cleaning” by ryan harvey (CC BY-SA 2.0), via

PEG-100 Stearate is a fairly one dimensional player whose primary talent is cleanliness. But, PEG-100 Stearate does clean very well when attacking something dirty.

The surprise comes from rumors that PEG-100 Stearate sometimes comes into a game contaminated. We’ll have to see if that plays a part today.

On first down, PEG-100 Stearate lines up at RB, and takes the handoff and starts to cut up field inside the tackle. But, after luring the LB inside, PEG-100 Stearate bounces outside and makes a clean break between the DE and the CB. PEG-100 Stearate scrubs out 13 yards before being swept out of bounds.

PEG-100 Stearate Cleans Up

On the next play, PEG-100 Stearate goes in motion. But, while trying to get off the line of scrimmage cleanly, PEG-100 Stearate jumped forward too soon for a five yard penalty. Could this contaminate the drive?

On first and 15, PEG-100 Stearate lines up still in the slot, and runs a down and out. The Hemp QB delivers a strike, and PEG-100 Stearate catches the ball cleanly and runs out of bounds after a 12 yard gain.

On 2nd and short, PEG-100 Stearate lines up on the right side at WR. He runs a curl route that doesn’t push the CB off enough, and the Hemp QB can’t release the ball. PEG-100 Stearate tries to fake up field again and then cut back to scrap off the CB. But, all of this extra movement causes the offensive lineman to hold his block too long and the OL is flagged for holding.

On 2nd and long, PEG-100 Stearate takes a delayed draw handoff, and is hit in the backfield. But, PEG-100 Stearate puts the DE in the spin cycle and slips out of his hands. PEG-100 Stearate is able to squeak out a neat 5 yard gain on the play.

On 3rd down and 9, the Hemp QB lines up in the shotgun, and PEG-100 Stearate stays in to block. PEG-100 Stearate whiffs on a blitzing LB, and the Hemp QB is wiped out for a 14 yard loss.

Hemp has PEG-100 Stearate punt on fourth down and PEG-100 Stearate kicks the ball 49 yards to the Glysomed 31 yard line. The Glysomed returner catches the ball on the run and is cleanly erased by a hard hit by PEG-100 Stearate after an 8 yard return.

Glysomed Works in Multi-Talented Octyldodecanol

Looking to take the lead, Glysomed’s coach wants a strong player to try and make rain.

So, the coach selects Octyldodecanol as that player. Octycane, as he’s know to his teammates, is known for a laundry list of talents:

  • From long chain fatty alcohols
  • Emollient (softener)
  • Emulsifier (mixes well with teammates)
  • Foam reducer
  • Lubricant
  • Thickener
  • Some spreading capabilities
  • Opacifying agent

Octycane opens the drive in the slot and runs a down and out. Octycane fakes the LB, not leaving a scent, as he cuts outside. The QB lays the easy pass out and Octycane makes the catch and runs up field and out of bounds for an 11 yard gain.

On the next play, Octycane lines up in the backfield and takes the handoff for a sweep around right end. Using his fatty alcohol blockers, Octycane spreads the field wide and glides out of bounds after 8 yards.

On 2nd and short, Octycane tries to soften up the defensive line with a pounding run off right tackle. But, a run blitz catches Octycane in the backfield and it’s all he can do to limit the loss to two yards.

Pass Interference!!

Texas Tech's Seth Doege (7) dives for a touchdown over Iowa State's Durrell Givens (24) during an NCAA college football game, in Lubbock, Texas, Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011. (AP Photo/Lubbock Avalanche-Journal, Stephen Spillman)

Texas Tech’s Seth Doege (7) dives for a touchdown over Iowa State’s Durrell Givens (24) during an NCAA college football game, in Lubbock, Texas, Saturday, Oct. 29, 2011. (AP Photo/Lubbock Avalanche-Journal, Stephen Spillman; via CC BY-SA 2.0 from

On 3rd and 4, Octycane starts in the backfield, and goes in motion. On the snap, Octycane cuts up field and fakes inside. After a 180 degree reversal in direction, Octycane heads to the otuside. The defender is beat, but grabs Octycane to keep him from getting wide open. The play results defensive pass interference call for a 12 yard gain and a first down.

Octycane lines up at WR to get a mismatch on a LB. On a sideline sprint, the Glysomed QB lofts the ball and lets Octycane run for it. Octycane catches up to the ball and is able to make the catch falling out of bounds for a 21 yard gain.

Receiving a dump pass in the flat on the next play, Octycane jukes the CB. Octycane is too thick for the CB and he drags him for 7 yards.

On the next play from the 4 yard line, Octycane lines up in the backfield. The QB fakes a hand off to the fullback. Sprinting to the right with the fake, Octycane has just enough space to receive a dump pass. Octycane sprints to the goal line and solves the CB in his way with a crushing shoulder blow.

Octycane flies into the end for a 4 yard TOUCHDOWN! The extra point (mild fragrant smell) is GOOD!

HHP Tries to Mix it Up


“mixing” by ☻☺ (CC BY-SA 2.0), via

The Hemp Hand Protector coach tries to mix it up by sending in C12-15 Alkyl Benzoate.

C12-15 Alkyl Benzoate, or CAB to the fans, is known as an effective skin conditioning player that works will with others (a great emmolient). CAB also like to thicken up the tension on the field with his intensity.

After the kickoff went for a touchback, CAB started the first play from scrimmage a little rough with an incomplete pass after the pocket broke down and CAB was running for his life towards the sidelines.


On 2nd down, CAB took the handoff and worked well with the offensive lineman to pierce the defense for a solid 6 yard gain. But, the WR wasn’t lined up on the line of scrimmage, and the play was eliminated and replaced with a 5 yard penalty.

On the next play, CAB lined up at WR and ran a 15 yard stop route that the defender guessed on and was able to knock the pass away.

On 3rd down and 15, CAB ran the same pattern. The CB believing that the play was designed to get the 1st down, jumped the route.

But, the QB mixed in a pump faked and CAB was off down the sidelines. The HHP QB drilled the ball in on a line to CAB and CAB had time to cut inside the safety. CAB was off to the races.

The other CB on the other side of the field was already deep and was able to make CAB stop to make a cut. After CAB lost his speed, the originally beaten CAB came back and hit CAB with a vengence knocking CAB to the ground after a 56 yard gain.

On the next play CAB was still catching his breath and wasn’t able to do anything with a handoff over right tackle. The play went for no gain.

CAB was still exhaused from the long earlier play and wasn’t able to get open on the next two plays as the QB had to do all he could to get rid of the ball before taking to hard hits.

On 4th down, CAB had regained his composure enough to strike a 47 yard FG through the uprights for a FG!

Glysomed Tries to Protect Lead with Petrolatum

The Glysomed coach seeing his lead dwindle to a single point, is starting to get a little restless.

Hoping to strike black gold, the coach drills down the bench to select Petrolatum.

Dirty Word

“Dirty Word” by Poster Boy(CC BY 2.0), via (Similar to something the coach said after the fumble)

Petrolatum is a by-product of oil refining. This give some folks a scare. What? Put crude oil on my face? But, if done correctly during the refinement process, Petrolatum can be safe.

So, for the Glysomed coach, this is a high risk, high reward statement he his making.

After the kick off sails out of the end zone, Petrolatum oozes out onto the field looking a little dirty. It’s unclear why that would be since it’s the first time Petrolatum has been into this game.

Frick Frack!

On the first play, Petrolatum coughs out the cadence and takes the snap from the shotgun. Dropping back to pass, Petrolatum feels pressure up the middle and fakes the DT out and scambles to the left side of the field. The DE then pressures Petrolatum back the other direction.

Petrolatum is completely on the run and stumbles trying to get away. As he stumbles, the ball slips out of his greasy hands and is bouncing around deep in the Glysomed backfield. Petrolatum can’t believe it as a Hemp Hand Protector LB Talc scoops the ball up at the 3 yard line and waltzes into the end zone for a TOUCHDOWN!

Being up by 5 this late in the game, the Hemp Hand Protector coach goes for 2. On the play, the HHD QB hits Xanthan Gum and the ball sticks. The 2 point conversion is GOOD!

Glysomed Tries to Preserve with Phenoxyethanol

The Glysomed Hand Cream coach is really mad at Petrolatum and has to make a quick decision after the quick score by Hemp.

Trying to go as far away as he can from the previous Petrolatum decision, the coach picks Phenoxyethanol.

Phenoxyethanol, or The Phoenix, as known by teammates, is known as a preservative with a pleasent fragrance.

Charlie (rubbing his eyes)

“Charlie” by Dan Zink (CC BY 2.0), via (Similar to something the coach said after the fumble)

However, The Phoenix also can be an irritant at times.  There have been reports of Phenoxyethanol irritating skin, eyes, or lungs.  The coach is hoping The Phoenix goes out and irritates Hemp.

The Phoenix opens up the drive with a sweep around left end, but to the irritation of the coach, The Phoenix whiffs on getting the corner and is tripped up for a 4 yard loss as the 3rd quarter expires.

The Phoenix get some of those four yards back on the first play of the 4th quarter. But, that leaves Glysomed in a big hole for 3rd down.

The Glysomed coach signals in a play for The Phoenix to run. The coach hopes to preserve the drive with a deep out pass. But, the Hemp defense sniffs the play out and The Phoenix is sacked for a 4 yard loss.

The Phoenix glumly punts the ball on 4th down. The punt is lofted like a Phoenix 50 yards down field. The punt outreaches the coverage and Hemp takes a long drag on a return. The hit yields 25 yards bring Hemp up to the 40 yard line for their first drive of the 4th quarter.

Hemp Hand Protector Tries to Stablize the Lead

The great punt return gives the Hemp coach great field position. The Hemp Hand Protector coach looks to possibly put the game out of reach with a score that consumes valuable 4th quarter minutes.

Knife 8 (Dagger)

“Knife 8” by Brenda Clarke (CC BY 2.0), via (Similar to something the coach said after the fumble)

Coach decides to go for a a low risk, high reward player and taps Glyceryl Stearate to try and deliver the dagger blow to Glysomed. At least with a score, coach thinks it will be very difficult for Glysomed to mount a comeback.

Glyceryl Stearate, or Glickster as known to teammates, has talents that should lead to a Hemp score.

Those talents include lubricating and softening skin, preservation of moisture in the skin, building of a skin barrier that is difficult to breach, and surface tensions skills.

Glickster, looking to run a little clock before hoping to get a score, starts the drive off with runs to try and soften the skin of the defense.

After reducing the surface tension of the defense and running several minuts off of the clock, Glickster plunged in from 1 yard for a TOUCHDOWN! The extra point (great emulsification) was GOOD!

Phenoxyethanol Enters for Glysomed

After being dealt a crushing blow with a late game touchdown to push the lead to 14, the Glysomed Hand Cream coach is flustered.

After a clipboard flying tirade, with a few choice words, the red faced coach sends Phenoxyethanol into the game.

A scent... u has it

“A scent… u has it” by Charles B (CC BY 2.0), via (Similar to something the coach said after the fumble)

Phenoxyethanol had preservative talents and can bring a sweet fragrance to the game. But, Phenoxyethanol was surprised by the coaches rant and looks dazed as he enters the game.

Receiving the play late from the Glysomed coaching staff, Phenoxyethanol has to rush to get the play off before getting a delay of game. The snap is low and Phenoxyethanol fumbles it, but saves the play with a nifty grab.

The timing is off after the errant snap, so Phenoxyethanol is late on his progressions and has to throw the ball away.

The Calming Effect

Phenoxyethanol takes a deep breath and calms himself as he inhales his own fragrant scent. The next play is much more organized as the play starts left, fakes back to the right, and ends up with a middle pass to the RB. The play almost turns into a big gainer, but the defense barely picks up the scent in time and trips up the RB to limit the play to 6 yards.

On 3rd down and 4, Phenoxyethanol lines up in the shotgun and surveys the field. Seeing the CB creeping up, Phenoxyethanol’s eyes get big as he looks to preserve the drive. With a fake out pass, the CB bites. Phenoxyethanol pauses to let the play develop, but that give a blitzing Hemp LB just enough time to hit Phenoxyethanol as the pass goes deep.

Being rushed to get the pass of, Phenoxyethanol can’t keep the ball in bounds and the big play slips through the Glysomed teams fingers.

Phenoxyethanol punts on 4th down. The ball sails 47 yards, but the Hemp returner bravely receives and makes the first tackler miss. But, the Hemp blocker are caught making an illegal block in the back, which pushed them back to their own 19.

Hemp Looking To Slow Things Down

With a two possession lead and the ball, the Hemp Hand Protector coach is looking to wind some clock and keep the ball out of Glysomed’s hands for as long as possible.

Coach looks down the bench and sees Cannabis Sativa Seed Oil smoking a dooby taking things very easy. Smokin’ Sativa looks up with surprise as coach sends him it.

Caricature, Cartoon, Funny, PotSmokin’ Sativa is a very controversial player. He is always looking to have fun, but always seems to lose interest in the game after being in for a little while. He can never seem to finish a drive before losing focus and getting the munchies.

Cannabis Sativa Seed Oil provides a skin conditioning emollient feature when involved in lotion plays. He also is well rounded having allof the 20 known amino acids. Despite his tendency to eat munchy food, Cannabis Sativa Seed Oil includes a host of vitamins including A, B1, B2, B3, B6, C, D, and E.

Smokin’ Sativa looks very relaxed and lets his team guide him for a 5 yard run. The same run loses 3 yards on the next play. But, standing strong in the pocket on 3rd down, Smokin’ Sativa zips a pass to his favorite receiver Cheeto for 14 yards.

After 3 more runs (1 with a holding penalty) where Smokin’ Sativa saunters back to the huddle, Smokin’ Sativa grabs a handful of Fritos and dips a pass to Tostito for another 1st down.

Smokin’ Sativa is marching down the field with lazy runs left and right all while the clock is ticking down. Glysomed has to use the rest of their timeouts to halt the clock and give themselve some time as Smokin’ Sativa again loses focus and can’t get the final 1st down to win the game.

Hemp punts the ball and pins Glysomed down at the 14 yard line with just under 3 minutes left on the clock.


  2 Responses to “Hemp Hand Protector vs Glysomed Hand Cream (38-24)”

  1. I love my Hemp. So, I’m rooting for Hemp to pull out this game. 🙂


  2. Stacy,

    Thank you for your fandom! Hemp has a pretty nice lead right now. And, is looking to be the superior team.


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